Intriguing question, right? Here are just a few highlights from the steamy chapters of Forty-Four Shades of Chesney.
KENNY: Oh Miss Princess, my palm is twitchy. You know what that means, right?
SHELL PRINCESS: (Gulp) Oh yes indeed sir! Shall I fetch the riding crop?
KENNY: Well it would be awfully hard to catch a fish with a riding crop, Miss Princess. My rod and reel please, and by that I mean my fishing gear. Geez, is your mind always in the gutter?
KENNY: Oh Miss Princess, you make me so angry! How can I ever trust you? I must punish you.
SHELL PRINCESS: Oh, Mr. Chesney, I’m sure you’ll be able to teach me a lesson in the Red Room of Pain!
KENNY: Uh, no, I was thinking you should wash my boat, clean the hot tub, and polish my cowboy boots until they each sparkle like new.
SHELL PRINCESS: Oh how kinky Mr. Chesney, shall I use my tongue?
KENNY: No, a rag perhaps? Ew, why do you say such gross things?
KENNY: Oh Miss Princess, I love you so much. I will never stop loving you. Not ever… never ever!
SHELL PRINCESS: Oh Mr. Chesney, I love you so much too. I love you with every fiber in my stick figure body and bulbous head. I will give you a haircut tonight in the bathroom after I have bathed in super-ridiculously-expensive lavender bath oils from some exotic place I’ve never heard of.
KENNY: A haircut? Is that supposed to be funny? I don’t love you anymore.
KENNY: Miss Princess, I need to you to go to Home Depot and buy rope, clamps, and plugs. And take security with you.
SHELL PRINCESS: Mr. Chesney, crap you are bossy. Holy crap, you are so bossy. Geez. Double crap. And if I refuse to obey you, Mr. Chesney?
KENNY: Then the boat will float away and sink. Why do I love you so much when you won’t even help maintain the boat that takes you to every island of your dreams? Fine, I’ll go myself. I’m taking the chopper.
KENNY: Oh Miss Princess, I am not worthy of your love. I love you so much it hurts. Wait! Don’t! Don’t… touch… me.
SHELL PRINCESS: Oh Forty-Four, shall I page Dr. Flynn?
KENNY: No you incorrigible busybody whom I love so much, I’m just sunburned. Don’t touch me.
KENNY: Miss Princess, gather my hooks and sinkers at once!
SHELL PRINCESS: Oh Mr. Chesney, you are so dirty. Have I misbehaved again? Would you like to handcuff me to the bow of the boat and sacrifice me like a bare-chested mermaid?
KENNY: Well, my Princess, it will be awfully hard to cast a line with your hands tied up. And it’s probably in violation of the Maritime Safety Code. Why are you biting your bottom lip? Too much salt on the margarita glass again?
KENNY’S SUBCONSCIOUS: Did she say bare-chested? hahahahahaha… can’t….. stop…. laughing
KENNY: Miss Princess who is the only person allowed to touch my sunburn scars, you have such a dirty mouth.
SHELL PRINCESS: Oh Forty-Four, are you going to take me over your knee?
KENNY: No my Princess, all around your mouth is dirty from you relentlessly stuffing it with guacamole. And I don’t think I can even take you over my knee until you’ve laid off the nachos for a bit. Shall I call the trainer?
SHELL PRINCESS: Oh my little control freak! My supercilious, petulant little control freak! You send a frisson through my bones, aptly and deftly. It is pain, but it is also pleasure. Oh Forty-Four, I am so sated!
KENNY: You are a loquacious nutball, Miss Princess. And don’t call me little.