My dad… poor guy.
He is a smart man. He is witty and philosophical and insightful, and painfully disconnected from my illusory desires.
We recently had a discussion about the Haydon collider, Higgs particles, majorana fermions- which are their own anti-particles- and the fact that he started a new church called the Royal College of Dark Matter Physics (don’t worry, this is an example of his sense of humor which is hilarious to about four people on the planet).
At the age of 81, he is learning all kinds of things about particle physics. He is also still practicing medicine. He plays tennis everyday. He is quite a capable human being.
But my crush on Kenny Chesney? And Kid Rock? And Bret Michaels? And what role these imaginary relationships play in my marriage, my career, and my parenting skills… well he just can’t expand his mind around the concept. He gives me the blankest of stares. Yes, even he has his limitations.
There is a large population of women in the world who have an innate understanding of the science of rockstar crushes, much like you were either born with a numbers-brain or you weren’t. I have never had to dissect the equation and plot the points on a graph. There probably should be a periodic table of rockstar elements (butt, guitar, adolescent behavior…) that breaks down the science to the molecular level, and explains the process of how the molecules bond together (wink, wink). I guess we just never thought it was necessary. Who knew we were gifted?
At the most elementary level, it is safe to say that A + B = C.
Reality + Delusions = Happy Woman
Happy Woman – Reality = Delusions
Happy Woman – Delusions = Reality
Exponentially magnifying this equation, like the Pythagorean theorem, also holds true.
But before my dad and others can advance to the next level of understanding, we’ll need to define a few terms.
Happy Woman= balanced, appreciated, pretty, adored, fun, free, lucky, desired, strong, pampered, capable, intelligent, wise, and hot.
Reality= dirty dishes, man on couch, piles of laundry, needy children, job demands, lack of money, love handles, cellulite, grey hair, wrinkles, age spots, seasonal affective mood disorder, dinner every blessed night.
Delusions= he is hot but not out of my league, if he met me he’d be smitten too, only he gets me, I could sing back up, going on tour is a viable option, he thinks I look good in this tank top, what saddlebags?, money is no object, I am well acquainted with both the US and British Virgin Islands, I am a good dancer.
With just this basic lesson, it is clear that women do not want to exist solely in the delusional state. Happy Woman requires both reality and delusions to be a true statement. Delusion is a nice place to visit, but without reality, we’d never know “balanced, appreciated…” due to lack of comparison.
Are you following me, dad?
I’m sure I could apply some relativity and dark matter theory here, but let’s keep you out of your comfort zone.
Rockstar science is not exclusively about musicians either. Variables could include athletes, politicians, moguls, and orthodontists. Happy woman is not necessarily married with children. Reality is not exclusively domestic in nature. I know, I just blew your mind.
I realize that it’s hard to be comfortable with concepts you cannot understand. It’s called blind faith. Besides, there is a protective mechanism designed by Mother Nature in that should the delusional side become a force that causes the equation to unbalance, the personality can actually split off and form other, fake personas. But don’t worry, Dad. I’m a long way from that.
Really, what’s not to get?